Boundaries & Violation of Consent

In an ideal world, everyone is respectful and practices enthusiastic consent when we engage with each other in flirtation and sex. We get to feel good about our bodies, our behaviour and our intimate interactions with each other. Unfortunately, we live in a world where people often don’t listen to each other, use social pressure to get what they want, and overstep or violate boundaries. And that really sucks.

Remember: something doesn’t need to fit the legal definition of violence, assault or rape for it to be unacceptable. You have every right to feel uncomfortable or upset about a situation where your boundaries weren’t respected.

Violation of consent can look like:

· Not backing off when you said you weren’t interested at the bar

· Giving you a hickie or a bruise when you said not to leave any marks

· Moving too fast toward sex when you said you didn’t want to fuck tonight

· Not stopping or pausing when you use a safe word during a kinky scene

· Taking off a condom during sex, or cumming inside you when you didn’t want it

Sometimes these situations can happen without bad intent from the person who did it, or they can happen with someone you trust. Maybe you felt pressured to give consent and realized that you didn’t actually want to later. And sometimes feelings can come up a long time later, once you’ve had time to reflect and process what happened. The person who violated your boundaries is still wrong and you shouldn’t feel guilty.

Bringing up someone’s behaviour:

Deciding to confront someone with how they treated you is a personal choice. Here are some ways you might start a conversation if that’s what you want to do.

“I’d like to talk about what happened earlier.”
“I’ve been thinking about the other night, and something didn’t sit right with me.”
“We need to pause and talk about what just happened, because that went too far.”
“Do you remember the last time we saw each other? I didn’t like how that went down.”
“Your actions affected me in a bad way, and I want you to know.”

Moving forward

Only you can decide how you want to move forward, whether that looks like confronting the person, pursuing legal action, seeking professional support, community intervention, or just letting it go. There is no correct way to find justice or healing. In fact, often the very process of seeking justice or healing itself can be painful, traumatic, or unsatisfying. You have to do what feels right for you in your unique situation.

Sexual health organizations can refer you to crisis support and counselling. It can help to talk things through with someone who is trained to listen and offer professional resources. But it’s also okay to take your own time and space to take care of yourself if that’s what you need. You are not alone.

Boundaries & Violation of Consent