Checking In

Watching Out for Yourself: Thinking, Checking In & Speaking Up

Everyone deserves sex that feels good, safe, and right for them. But sometimes things like stress, drinking, shame, or feeling judged can get in the way. “Looking out for yourself” means being aware of your choices and doing what makes you feel respected, healthy, and content. Here are some ideas to help you think clearly, check in with yourself, and speak up when needed.

Think About the Sex You’re Having

It’s helpful to ask yourself questions about your past and current sexual experiences. These questions can show whether the sex you’re having matches up with the sex you want.

• What does your usual hookup or sex life look like? (Where, how, with whom?)
• Are there patterns? For example: when you’re drunk or stressed, do you use fewer condoms? Do you skip PrEP or miss meds?
• How do you feel about your decisions afterward? Do they make you feel proud, regretful, anxious?
• Which tools do you use to protect yourself (condoms, PrEP, knowing partners’ HIV status, choosing partners carefully)?
• Do you ever wish you did things differently, but something got in the way (drinking, drugs, desire, or pressure)?

Checking In With Yourself

This is about tuning in to how you feel before, during, and after sex. Sometimes your expectations change, and that’s OK—what matters is knowing when to adjust or stop.

• Before hooking up, ask: What do I really want tonight? Is it just fun, intimacy, casual hookup, something longer term?
• Plan for moments when things might feel off. If you feel uncomfortable, pressure mounting, or someone ignores your boundaries, can you say “stop” or “slow down”?
• Do you know your HIV/STI status, and do you ask about your partners’? What about their PrEP or undetectable status?
• What health tools feel good to you? Maybe always using condoms, or sometimes using them, maybe prioritizing undetectable viral load with a partner, or PrEP if you are HIV-negative.
• Are you comfortable with the risks you are taking? Not just HIV, but other STIs. Are you up to date with testing and vaccines (like mpox)?

Speaking Up For Yourself

Once you know what you want and what you’re okay with, sometimes the hardest part is saying it out loud. Speaking up means respecting your own needs and boundaries, even if it’s uncomfortable.

It might look like:

• Telling someone you want to use a condom.
• Sharing your HIV status, or asking your partner theirs.
• Explaining what kinds of sex feel good / what you are open to / what you aren’t.
• Saying no without shame. Saying “how about another time?” or “I’d prefer we do X instead.”

It can feel scary. You might lose what you thought was a chance or be rejected. That’s valid. But forcing yourself to betray your boundaries often leads to regret, shame, or feeling unsafe. You always deserve sex that’s consensual, safe, and matches what you want.

Putting in this extra thought makes sex better—not just safer. When you think ahead, you reduce the chance of regret or harm, build more trust with sexual partner, feel more confident in your choices, and keep your health in check.

No approach is 100% risk-free, but combining what feels right for you (condoms, PrEP, knowing status, being with a partner who is undetectable, etc.) gives you more and peace of mind.

Optional Check-List: Before, During, After

Remember: you don’t have to do this alone. Support can help you live out the sex you want! You can talk to friends who are good listeners, queer or gay peer support groups, mental health professionals (therapy or counseling) who are LGBTQ2S+ friendly, and staff at HIV / STI clinics or community orgs