Stigma and Shame

Stigma, Shame & Finding Acceptance

In many places, it can be taboo to talk about enjoying sexual exploration, let alone anything queer. It might be difficult to access reliable information, or to connect with other people in a safe way. Shame can make it hard to be honest about the sex we’re having and the sex we really want. And if we can’t talk honestly about our desires, how can we make sure we’re looking out for ourselves and for each other?

Other problems impacting gay men (homophobia, mental health issues, racism, ageism, ableism, issues around using drugs, just to name a few) make it even harder to talk about sex. That makes it tough to play safely, enjoy our kinks, get to know each other, and take measures to prevent HIV or other STIs.

A lot of times, stigma can come from the idea that queer sex is dangerous. The HIV/AIDS epidemic from the 80s and 90s come to mind. But people can and do get judgmental about herpes, HPV, and other common STIs too! Although HIV and STI rates are still high for gay men, there’s a lot of new information to help us respond.

What’s different now?

• We know a lot more about when HIV transmission happens, and that a lot of it is when guys are undiagnosed and not getting treatment.
• There are several effective ways to stop HIV such as PrEP, condoms, PEP, and undetectable viral load. Using condoms along with another HIV prevention strategy also protects against STIs.
• We know that it is really important that guys who have condomless sex get tested for HIV and other STIs regularly, every few months if possible.
• If a guy becomes HIV-positive, we know that getting connected to care right away is the best for his health.
• HIV stigma is still stopping a lot of us from having the conversations we need to have, which leads to worse personal and community health outcomes, instead of making us safer.

Everyone’s preferences and personal identities are different.

There is no “normal” that you must live up to. What matters is mutual consent, safety, and respect. Finding community helps. Joining supportive or friendly spaces and groups can make you feel less alone. Talking with others who “get it” can reduce shame. Don’t let others shame you for what you like. If someone reacts badly when you show them who you are, that’s on them. You deserve kindness and respect.

When you’ve found people that you trust or feel safe with, ask if you can talk about different topics that are important to you. Introduce the language that makes you feel good. Be patient, and curious.