Open Relationships

More than two is nothing new!

You’re probably familiar with the idea of monogamy–that is, only one romantic or sexual partner for one person at a time. But throughout history, gay, bisexual and queer people have made space for sex as a way of connecting to people. That includes hookups and friendships, but also even in our partnerships through non-monogamy or open relationships: having sex with one or more people in addition to your main partner where everyone consents to the arrangement. (If not everyone consents, then it’s more like cheating.) This kind of configuration is so common that on dating and hookup apps, “open relationship” is an option you can select alongside “single” and “married”.

What does it non-monogamy look like?

Here are some common ways to practice non-monogamy and some typical names for those dynamics. Note that they can be called different things and often have different rules or configurations – it’s not all just slutty chaos!

• Open relationship: being partnered to one person and only having one-time or casual sex with other people, often not sharing social or emotional attachments with them.
• Polyamory: having multiple relationships at the same time.
• Polyfidelity: a closed-group relationship where everyone within the group is in a relationship with each other, but they do not seek partners outside the group.
• Monogamish: a couple that may only have sex with other people under specific circumstances, like only playing together with someone else, or separately while on vacation (this term was popularized by queer advice columnist Dan Savage!)
• Solo polyamory: when a single person doesn’t want to be partnered, but is involved with more than one person at the same time.
• And there’s a whole lot more configurations out there! You can design what works best for you and the people you’re intimate with, and change it as needed.

Things to consider

Practicing non-monogamy requires a lot of communication and trust to do well, as you can be managing multiple people’s feelings and expectations as well as your own (which can shift over time). This can expose people to a higher chance of insecurity, crossed boundaries or hurt feelings. But this way of connecting intimately with others can also expand your networks of support, affection, and community.

Having sex with multiple people at the same time is still often frowned upon socially (even if you’re not partnered!). A lot of people think that being non-monogamous can is the same as cheating on your partner (it’s not!), or they’ll judge you as being promiscuous or greedy. If someone is married or has children, knowledge of your open relationship might be used against you or your family due to stigma or local law. It’s important to exercise caution with who you trust.

Testing, testing … 1, 2, 3!

Having sex with multiple people also means that there may be more opportunity for STIs to be introduced or passed between casual or regular partners. It’s important to discuss what kind of sexual health practices and tools should be used. For example, a couple may have condomless sex with each other, but may choose to always use condoms with others outside the relationship. Regular testing is especially helpful in open relationships, but also it’s not uncommon to find STIs in relationships that are thought to be monogamous but where a partner cheated. Sometimes what you think you agreed upon (“no sex with our friends”) isn’t what someone understood (“sex only means penetration, and oral play is not sex”).

Why we do this

Sex doesn’t need to be sacred, but it’s good to appreciate and respect the people we share it with. That means being honest, making and following mutual agreements, treating people with kindness and gratitude, trusting each other, and being adaptable and forgiving. Whether there’s someone you have sex with on the side, a one-night stand, or your main partner, there are so many different unique ways to be forming bonds, connecting and having sex with each other. You get to choose how that looks like together with the people you’re involved with, forming an ecosystem that stays sustainable when it’s healthy.