Sexual Orientation and Fluidity

Baby I was born this way?

There was a time in our understanding of gay, bi, lesbian and queer sexuality that many folks subscribed to the idea that a person’s sexual orientation was determined more by nature than by nurture. What does that mean? Well, instead of the old archaic idea that homosexuality was caused by poor parental role models, we shifted to saying that people were born with their innate orientation or latent attraction to a specific gender; that it might be genetically determined.

Today, we have more of an understanding that both gender and sexual orientation can be fluid. The labels that we once used to categorize ourselves and others may be less useful in today’s world. Now, it’s more common to have a longer journey where we can change how we identify and express our gender, and explore the types of people we’re attracted to.

Complicated? It’s more likely than you think!

Here are some instances where people’s attraction or behaviour may indicate an orientation that’s different than how they choose to identify.

• Some men who have wives and children but have sex with other men may live their whole lives as straight even if others might consider them to be bisexual.
• A gay man who mainly has sex with men and lives mainly in the gay scene and community, but sometimes enjoys threesomes with a man-woman heterosexual couple may identify as both gay and bisexual.
• Women who used to date cis men (and are still attracted to them) but now exclusively dates women and transmen may identify as lesbian and bisexual.
• A straight man whose girlfriend transitions to non-binary may decide to then identify as pansexual.

These situations may seem confusing, and maybe they are! But the most important thing is to let people self-identify. Even if we don’t understand or agree with how others decide to use labels, we can still treat them with respect. Language evolves, along with our ideas of how we move through the world. And that’s okay. A label may help us to find each other and take comfort in knowing who we are, but people are allowed to change, and to pick the labels that suit them.

Does my orientation still feel right?

It can be scary to open up to the idea that maybe your assigned or chosen gender doesn’t feel right anymore, or maybe you find yourself drawn to people that you weren’t previously attracted to before. That could mean a loss of identity or access to a community of like-minded folks. Misogyny, biphobia and transphobia all still exist even within queer circles. But we also find more and more that the values of fluidity and inclusivity are coming up in how we relate to each other.

If you feel that you’re shifting with your identity or orientation, try talking to a trusted person close to you or an outside counsellor or community worker about how you feel. Only you can decide what’s right for you and when the timing feels safe. Other people may have a difficult time or may outright refuse to accept the change from the person they knew before and the person you are now or want to be. If someone you know is approaching you to talk about changes in their identity, be patient and non-judgmental.

Language is also fluid

It’s possible that one day we may look at what we knew or believed about language, gender and sexuality and think of it as outdated. Today, the word “queer” can be thought of as an inclusive umbrella term for the 2SLGBTQIA+ population, but at one point it was a common homophobic slur, and there are many people in the community who lived through that time and frown on its usage.

Communities are made up of people from all different ages and background. It may seem that someone might be stuck in a mode that doesn’t fit in with our current worldview. But this can happen to us too! Humanity is always adapting, and the queer movement has often been on a leading edge of social change. It’s important to be compassionate and understanding where possible, so that people can find the journey that feels right for them.